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[the writing is barely legible]

[Filter: Elliot]

Im sorry I need to be fast I meant to write to you but I think Im finally out of time thank dragons

thank you for everything

I think your the only 1 who understands any of this and your insane but it doesnt matter anymore

please try to explain to my sister try to make her understand like you do because thats what Raisie wanted and its important

I didnt hate her I never did but it needed to be that way it just did please understand

And tell her [the writing cuts off]

Current Mood: rushed

[Filter: Private]

I feel like a pig being herded to the slaughter. As if your grandfather plans to spare me, boy, why can't you just kill me under his orders and get it over with. I'm tired of living ... I'm tired of walking along every day as a pathetic cripple when there is absolutely nothing to live for and an end in sight.

She was just a shopgirl. Chasing me to the ends of the earth ... why couldn't you have just let us go?

[Filter: Fallyn]

You're really beginning to show.

Current Mood: numb

[Filter: Private]

Like a fat pig being lead to a slaughter.

This is above me, Noel. I think you have had the better idea, to die in a blaze of glory and break someone's heart while you had the chance.

Current Mood: indescribable

[Filter: My Captors]

I'm sorry I forget your names, you'll have to forgive. I believe this journal will know what I'm talking about.

Current Mood: indescribable

[Filter: Noel]

The pass ... why, this is just amusing, we're going backwards. We were just here, do you remember? And we were both so happy because we were so close to home. We should have known, shouldn't we have? Lured into a false sense of security, that's how it goes, isn't it?

I feel much better, which brings me no satisfaction, but at least I don't want to die. The arrow wounds are healing nicely. And the tongue, well. What can be said? It hurts, and I can't speak, but it hurts less.

I don't want to still be alive, and I'm alive. I'm feeling better, and I'd rather be dead. It's irony, isn't it?

Yes, I know you're dead, dear, but ... well. Right now, I'd rather write to a dead man than write to myself. How pathetic.

It's ironic that it's easier saying what I want to you when you're dead.

Current Mood: indescribable

[the writing is scrawled]

[Filter: Noel]

Yes I know youre dead. And I know you cant read this. Im still not a fool dearest. But I really dont have anyone else to talk to who understands. That idiot Elliot would try to but he wasnt there. Only you and I were there. I suppose this is really just a private filter with some idiotic delusion but I think I deserve some.

It doesnt hurt as much it was terrible for the first few days but its nearly been a week now. Since you died. That part hurts as much as ever of course and dont you dare laugh at me for waiting until you were dead to get sentimental on you not a word. Still hurts to write a bit so forgive my being lazy but its not so bad anymore. Taking good care of me they dont want me to die isnt that ironic. Theyre taking me back to Rhia and they want me alive.

I want to die. Not like before not because I deserve it just because I havent got a thing to live for anymore with you gone you were the only one who could save me and dont feel guilty because you did your best. Right until the end. Oh Noel.

The soliders here are very gentle with me aside from the tongue cutting and the arrows all over me. Cant forgive them for killing you but I dont think theyre bad people not really. Theyre following orders from this psychopath. I think his name is Asher thats what theyre calling him. I think the men all know hes insane and they hate him but they have no choice yet Lord Craig must have hired him without knowing just what he is. Or maybe he did know hah. Im a murderer after all I dont deserve better. But I think they feel sorry for me tongueless and alone.

I just want to die but I have to keep moving how awful is that. Cant even kill myself Im watched too closely. Bound hand and foot and half carried for the most part. Cant speak. He let me keep my journal probably cant see the harm in it and who could blame him. I havent got anyone at all.

I miss you.

Current Mood: indescribable

[the writing is scrawled lightly]

[Filter: Private]

What do I say

Current Mood: indescribable

[Filter: Noel]

I can see the mountains ...

I never thought I would be quite so happy to see home again, but it's curious. The sight of it lifts my heart, somehow.

Current Mood: nostalgic

[Filter: Noel]

[the page is plashed with tiny droplets of water]

Well, we're not going to be able to ford it, that's for certain. There's a ferry around here somewhere, if my memory serves right. East, I think.

Current Mood: wet

[Filter: Private]

~~It's been~~ ~~If these~~ The channels should never have opened.

Current Mood: pensive

[Filter: Private]

Two years only for some of us. For others, it's been a way of life for longer than you all can imagine. Not that you could ever even begin to understand that.

Back on the move again. Is this my life forever now? Running from eventual doom? Lovely.

... it's not as if I had a choice. I had no choice. No one can understand what it's like, the compulsion. I don't want to die for it. I'm married. I'm happy.

Current Mood: pensive

[Filter: Private]

I was terrified, you fool. If you die, it's the end for me. You're the only reason I'm still alive. The only reason I haven't just given up. You're all that I have.

Idiot.

Current Mood: relieved

[Filter: Private]

[weak and scrawled]

This is my fault I'm a fool why did I think to come inland what might I possibly have been thinking

Dragons by the time I get back with no help he's going to be dead and I can't go on without him

Perhaps this is my punishment. He dies for my sins how predictable and

[a large blot of ink]

oh

Current Mood: distressed

[scrawled quickly]

dragons please help me I don't know what to do

Current Mood: distressed

[Filter: Noel]

... I think we should head further from the border.

Current Mood: nervous

[Filter: Noel]

I think that my sunburns and sunburnt. I can only imagine how awful this would be if we weren't on the border.

Current Mood: hot

[Filter: Private]

I shouldn't be

... why would you replace Raisie like this, Tallys. I thought you loved your sister. How very predictable of you.

Current Mood: crappy

[Filter: Private, Kilian]

I'm dead to all of them, aren't I? It's easier to pretend it was another Eden, another Raisie ...

I suppose it's better this way.

Current Mood: nostalgic

[Filter: Noel]

I love you, and I don't want to die.

Current Mood: determined

[Filter: Private]

I don't want to die. Haha. I don't want to die.

I suppose that just means I deserve it all the more, now, doesn't it?

Current Mood: indescribable

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. MORE THAN THE GARDEN OF EDEN .

but she'll bring out the best and the worst you can be

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October 2007

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